Not quite deja vu

Yesterday I witnessed the demise of a team that was headed for destruction from the beginning. I wish my words weren't so harsh, nor so cynical, but no matter how far they've come, no matter how much they've improved, it has not been enough. They still cannot think fast enough, nor see fast enough, even hear fast enough. Next year Singapore will crash and burn in the World Schools Championships unless the potential team drastically improves. Owen and I predict they will be out by the octofinals. Given the time and amount of training they'll receive I'd revise that to maybe the quarters. But hey, miracles have been known to happen.

So it wasn't deja vu. I wonder if their seniors felt some sense of vindication as their juniors undid what we did to them last year. Dennis says they should be feeling insulted, that so bad a team won where they did not. I suppose there is logic in that. But a win's a win anyway.

Lousy debates aside, I look forward to getting into a good one myself soon. Nothing makes me feel like debating more than watching one, especially a lousy one. So, here's to the All Stars quadrangulars/tournament soon! (I hope Ms de Souza is reading this haha... Anyway give us a call and we'll book the rooms or something :) Ah, but everyone's so busy these days...

I realise that I quite like Boey Kim Cheng's style of poetry. I find the language very vivid and rich. It lacks the lyrical flowing style of classical poetry, but the free verse is strangely appealing to me. It has a strong flow in itself too.

Tomorrow will be a long day. But right now, I just feel like sleeping. Ngargh. If only we could return to a carefree life for a while. Or is there such a thing to return to in the first place?

A short and brilliant (considering how long it's been) spar made my day. Debating is like cycling, I guess. You never forget how to do it. And a dip into that pool once again is really refreshing, especially after a long day at school. I realise that everytime I watch some sporting match involving the school I somehow feel like debating after that. My own sport, haha.

So anyway, it's been a while since I blogged, and the events since then have just whizzed past me. It's all becoming a blur now, with nothing significant standing out. I enjoy the company of friends, getting over the boredom of the eternal tutorials, becoming slightly crazy in the absence of progress.

This morning I missed my stop for the second time in a month. I must stop this before it becomes habit. It annoys me, really, committing such silly mistakes.

Then later in the day I got back my Korean War script that gave me some reassurance that yes, I am making some progress, that my efforts are paying off. I musn't slacken now, nor lose pace, but the days are growing soo long, and the lessons so dreary. Our econs tutor, to put it blandly, is slowing down the class. It appears extremely ironic that a subject so concerned with productivity levels should be the one generating the least amount of it, or so it would seem. I've been daydreaming with Dai Wei about kidnapping Mr Nga and forcing him to teach our class instead. Oh for some clarity out of this mess!

I shall enjoy tomorrow. We shall be involved in hard labour, followed by PC, arguably still my favourite subject, then finally pizza. After all this I shall go off to YJ for the quarterfinals of the debating championships. I really hope they win. I want to see deja vu, and today's spar has whetted my appetite.

Anyway, this Sunday will be the More To This Life concert. I really like the dances, especially Why. It never fails to move me. And I particularly like one line in Vincent's poem.

Oh I bear the burden of a life of days

It seems really apt.


I still tremble, yet want to draw near to the fire. I think I have a phobia of the altar.

Catharsis

Today was thoroughly eventful. To begin with, it was the Council's stepping down ceremony. Now, everytime I blog or speak about the Council people expect negative things to come out of my mouth, but this time I won't say any of that. In spite of everything, if they did one thing really well, which I think is plainly obvious, it was in sheer effort and determination. So I think it was appropriate that Mrs Lim read the passage on the talents for the ceremony. So well done, thou good and faithful servants.

Derek posted the Olympic motto on the stepping down video, which ran something like, "The essential thing is not to have triumphed, but to have fought well." How typically diplomatic of the Olympics, but the battle-hardened cynic might reply, "No one remembers the first runner-up." Isn't that the beef about today's society? No matter how much we praise the effort, people still value the result at the end. Our meritocracy is not truly meritocratic in that it fails to recognise the merit in working hard, which does not always translate into good results, the one thing that the system really recognises. And I think living today really gets people down because of this basic flaw in the system: the absence of a clear link between effort and success.

This week has not been a very good week, because all the BT2 results came out. There have been great disappointments. But thank God for the little joys planted here and there: a grade better than expected, a friend to take comfort in, etc. Before I entered JC, I never truly understood the power of catharsis, but now I do. I think for me the best catharsis comes through speaking or crying. There is comfort in pouring out your woes to a friend who understands. There is comfort in collapsing into a heaving wrack of tears. But the ultimate comfort is that we are not of this world, though we be in it, and that we belong to a society higher than this, one where effort is recognised, every tear is noted, every triumphed celebrated, every valley walked with, every mountain scaled with.

And in the final analysis, there is more to this life than just grades, and even the paper chase takes on a new meaning when you know who you're chasing it for.

The morning after

This morning I woke up with a profound (should I use profound? perhaps strong would be better) sense of emptiness. There was absolutely nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about, nothing left to do. I said last night that I'd done my last service to the school, but I only felt it this morning. College Day was the last big event for me. I have nothing left to do but study. All the weeks in front of me now are just filled with days upon days of studying and getting back results that I don't want to get. My History is screwed, I don't know what to expect for Econs, and there's an immense amount of revision to do. On top of this, my mind blackens whenever I consider the fact that every minute that passes brings me closer to NS.

But I want to talk about the emptiness for a while, because it occupied me for some time this morning (how ironic). It gave me the realisation that for a long time, my life has just been a series of events to look forward to. So the minute I have nothing left to do, I'm done for. But this is not how it's meant to be. Where does God come into the picture then? I was wondering, because am I not supposed to find complete and utter satisfaction and joy in Christ? Of course, I think inexpressible joy cannot be found on Earth, because then no one would bother going to Heaven. But if I can feel so empty on a Saturday morning, then it makes me wonder if the focus of my life has been wrong. I don't have to wonder, really. Deep down I know. I've been very preoccupied by just living from day to day, looking forward to one event after another, that I've neglected the things that really matter. And right now, the struggle for me is to find that right balance of living for God in the midst of my daily routine.

Ah well, I don't feel so bad anymore, but I still dread going back to school on Monday morning, and settling back (settling back? or starting?) into revision mode. Well, at least there ARE some bright sparks along the way. Rapture, the band concert (during which Vicks plans to abandon me), Brendon's still-to-come dinner treat, friends. But there, see, what happens when these all pass?

There is a saying: The man who has God and the whole world has no more than the man who has nothing but God.
That gives me tremendous comfort.

The Disembodied Voice

Finally, College Day is over. No more rehearsals, no more blazers, no more standing up for long hours. All the pomp and pageantry is done, and I've completed my last service to the school. My oratorical career in SA has come full circle. I kind of like the fact that I became a disembodied voice at the end. Always wanted to try that, haha.

So, now, I can focus on my studies. I'm not satisfied with the results I've gotten thus far, and I frankly feel as though I'm stagnating or deproving in fact. I have to try harder or work smarter to move on, move higher. Ah well, to work.

Last night I had dinner with the debate alumni. We learned some interesting stuff, at length though, thanks to the story telling skills of Ms de Souza. Incidentally, If you're reading this Adrienne, you and Candice can still manage make noise at College Day two years after you've left.

So yeah, I'm very tired now. Going to bed.

Chris was talking today about how God wants us in that place where we feel that we absolutely cannot do anymore, anything without Him, and how that in that moment, that should be the kind of attitude we should have in relying on Him. Total faith, total dependence, Peter on water, a child in her father's hands.

It didn't really strike me till I just read someone's blog and was thinking to myself, well, he wants to do well, good for him, but take it easy boy. And something really disgusting came into my mind that made me realise how true it is, that the rich will always find it hardest to inherit the kingdom, because they don't know what it feels like to be utterly dependent upon one person for their life. And once again, my old enemy, Pride, rears its ugly head.

By the grace of God, I finished Block Test 2. Just as I predicted, I was struggling to pull through, even earlier than I expected though. Every source that I completed was a chore. But, I got that sudden extra burst of energy I needed to finish the last essay, so thank God, really. It's a weight off my shoulders.

So now, I feel free, temporarily. I'm going to enjoy the rest of the week and the next at least. Catch up on reading (hopefully), sleep, yak, play, ahhh...

My History notes are strewn in various piles across the table, but aside from a few half hearted attempts to read up on the Security Council I have not done anything productive this morning, which is why I'm here blogging, because I feel so disinterested in studying at the moment and unmotivated that I might as well pop in and update the blog.

Econs so exhausted me yesterday that when I came home I went and slept through the afternoon, woke up, walked around groggily and then started to compile my list of UN author credentials. It was completed in the night finally. I have no idea how I'm going to pull through History tomorrow but I'm trusting in God. I mean this physically, not even mentally yet, because yesterday by the time I got to the case study I had a headache creeping up, and as I ploughed through I was like, "Ok, qn A's done. Argh, there's still B, C, and D to go. (And when I was at C) Ngargh, there's still D!" I can already hear myself saying tomorrow, "Oh great, that's one source based done, but there's still another to go, and another, and another..."

It feels like it's the holidays already, because everytime I finish an exam I think the holidays are round the corner, but they're not, cos in jc it's the other way round, which I still can't decide is good or bad. But nevermind, because this time tomorrow we shall be freed of the block test, and I can lay aside all the bloody names and dates and things history throws at us. We were chatting yesterday and I too realised that I've lost my initial love of history. I still like it in some sense, especially cold war history, but it's become so terribly detailed and dreary that I cannot see myself enjoying it again for its fun, like the boy whom CS Lewis says cannot see the point of studying Xenophon till he finishes his course and masters Greek in all its intricacies. Blah.

Oh! Superman! I want to go watch that! SOON. But there's a silly rehearsal for College Day tomorrow so while everyone runs hither and thither free upon the sunlit grass I shall have to be stuck in school till 3 and beyond. THREE. Of all things. I've got nothing to do for four hours...

Oh yes, and my inbox is being flooded with email from JC 1 scholars because last year, when a few of us were called up for the scholarship group thingy, I stupidly allowed all mail from the scholar's site on Moodle to be sent to me. So recently, when Mrs Neu called for the JC 1 scholars to send her their individual achievements list, they ALL started sending them one by one, and for some reason, insteade of sending it to her directly, it comes to me too. I was wondering if I should delete them all, bcause achievements lists can be quite interesting reading if you know whom they concern, and a few of them are my juniors. But heck, I couldn't be bothered, so I've been deleting them as they come. I wonder how many are there.

Okay, I shall go try to study now. Ohh, but freedom is so close, so close!

I just read Owen's blog, and I wondered if it's common for debaters to romanticise the art so, because he's not the first or only one to paint debating in such loving terms. I guess it applies to everyone's chosen sport/activity. But I'm always in pleasant delight at the way debaters seem to elevate our joy to such levels of adulation, or describe it moment by moment. And reading his post suddenly made me want to post something about it too, since as he put it, debating is a form of escapism, and the days are growing shorter, the hours more anxious.

What a narcissistic bunch we all are. Or at least me, haha.

Once, maybe, the block tests are over, and we are granted a momentary reprieve from preparation, we can indulge in a nice long debate with the best of minds. Gather all the seniors together. Form various permutations of the All-Stars. Have round upon round of argument. a Senior Quadrangular, why not?


You know, at the end of it all, debating is actually supposed to serve a purpose, namely the production of the best solutions to the world's problems, honed and sharpened in the ferment of debate. But here, we've turned it into an end in itself. Ha, but then, the sharpening of minds is another goal of debating.

Goodnight, Mr Chairman.

Debating

I want to debate. The past few days have whetted my appetite for more. And I don't just want to debate against anyone; I want the best. I want to experience again the feeling of having to stretch my mind and go up there and speak well, sit down, and leave the floor feeling satisfied, knowing I've done my best against a good team and come off well. These two weeks have reinforced for me, more than ever, my belief that debating is so much more than about one person. It is above all a team effort. And I hope, I sincerely hope, that the five people who are to carry on the torch learn that well, and learn that soon. Yesterday, I would have ranted about how pathetic they were, how absolutely low they went. But after today, I can say that at least they've improved. All I hope is that they continue to listen to their opponents, and think. They have potential, and looking at the top four schools, they can go far.

I also want to say that I've seen what it means to live your life as a living testimony for God, through my senior and friend, Brendon. He's earned tremendous respect from me for his humility, his dedication to coaching a bunch of stuck up ingrates despite suffering from flu, fever, n a sore throat, his graciousness and commitment. I'm not used to publicly affirming someone, but then he's given me reason enough to affirm him. I've realised the impact of living a life like that on me, which has given me pause to reflect. No one is perfect, but then if you're different enough, people sit up and notice.

World conquest and the Great Singapore Sale

It's been a lazy start to the second week of the holidays for me. The anxiety about the block test has begun to creep in, resulting in a few half hearted starts at studying. Still, the progress seems fine to me for the start of the week. I'm all but done with the Crisis of Communism, moving on to Econs tomorrow, if I can being myself to it. I realise I'm purposefully avoiding Econs for now, for the very reason that it'll take the most amount of effort to get through, which is of course the very reason why I should start on it as soon as possible. Oh well, I'll try tomorrow.

In other news, I saw my old Civilisation 3 game manual yesterday, which immediately tempted me to play it, and so I reinstalled it today and began conquering the world. Well, not exactly, it's a slow start, as usual. I've never really been an aggressively expansionistic player in these sort of games. I tried Persia, then switched to India, so now I'm ruling a good portion of the globe as Gandhi. I had a good laugh when I established New Delhi, which, according to Manit, is separate from Delhi. Incidently the game separates out Delhi and New Delhi as two different cities.

Anyway, on Sunday I had a big shopping spree at John Little. I don't think I've shopped so much in a loong time. Quite uncharacteristic. Nevertheless, it was quite therapeutic, seeing the stack of clothes on your bed at the end of the day, haha.

Ooh I just had an idea! I should have renamed my ruler as Manit! then name one of the cities Gianchandani! hahahhaa

Guacamole and little green men

The Army, in all its bureaucratic magnificence, makes me like it less than I already did even before I enter its ranks. I couldn't believe a medical checkup could take 4 hours before I went for it, and I still don't. I now believe it takes five and a half hours. And don't get me started on the Oath of Allegiance, or else I might find black suited men knocking on my door soon. Actually, some of the lines remind me of what Martin was barking out during the college play.

That was on Thursday. Yesterday I went back to school for GP makeup, then I caught up with Quek for lunch. A late lunch, in fact, at Carl's Jr. Ahh, now that was filling. I've developed a fondness for guacamole after that. It's a green substance that looks like green mayonnaise, or wasabi, depending on your preference. According to wikipedia, it's an avocado based relish or dip originating from the time of the Aztecs. Great! Mexican food! If only we had tortilla chips to go with it.

So, between discovering how mangled the movie made the Phoenix storyline, I had a lazy afternoon chatting about old times. It is nice, you know, to sit in a cafe or something just jabbering away with an old friend. It is very relaxing, a marked change from a usually busy schedule. We even talked about Earth 2025, that silly old game we used to play when we bored during robotics sessions. It developed into such an obsession I was rushing home everyday to check on my country to see if it was still intact. There is a thrill involved when launching devastating attacks upon an unsuspecting soul, especially when you're launching a missile at a friend. That particular incident was really silly...

Anyway, now I have two books waiting to be read, courtesy of Quek. I shall read the thinner one first, because it's by CS Lewis, not because it's thinner. I want to go out again soon too, once KH returns from whichever part of Malaysia he happened to be in yesterday, haha.

Hmm, there's apparently a Guacamole Fund, but it doesnt't seem to have anything to do with guacamole as far as I can tell...

The First Monday of the Holidays

After all the buildup, the holidays are finally here, and suddenly, I find myself lounging about with nothing to do. Well, I do have things to do of course, but I don't feel like touching them just yet.

First, a recap of the weekend. I watched the Canterbury Tales on Saturday night, and it was really quite funny and lively. I don't know if the artistic licence used brightened the Tales up more than they already are, but in any case I think the production did a great job in bringing out the boisterous, cheeky, and downright sexual flavour of Chaucer's works. It was a nice way to end the evening.

Then on Sunday we celebrated my father's birthday with a huge chocolate banana cake from Secret Recipe. It definitely weighs more than a kilo, and the height is just awesome. Next year, I shall get my black forest cake from there. At night we ate seafood at the Kallang riverfront. I wanted chilli crabs, but my brother sulked as usual and we had to switch to a crab cooked with garlic and spring onions. Still palatable, but I've been wanting to try a nice chilli crab for so long. The last time I ate one is beyond my memory.

It started on Friday, after training, or maybe even earlier, and since then I've been daydreaming about the team (our team) going head to head with rj in the nationals semis and beating them to face ac in the finals. It's a strange fantasy anyway, one that can never be fulfilled. But you know, after watching all the sports teams play their hearts out this season, I wish I was back in the July of last year. And whenever my mind goes back to that time I imagine all of us sitting on stage in an intense debate against rj (why rj? I think it's partly becos I'm tired of debating against our usual friends, and I'd like to save ac for the finals), and we're opp, since we've always been better at opp. It's a very close match, and we split the judges 3-2, but for the first time we actually win the damned split! Doesn't matter what the motion is, in fact, the whole dream involves me taking much of the limelight, haha, but then Owen delivers a stunning blow after Suhas's own brilliant speech, and I round up the reply with a flourish. Everything is pitch perfect, the style, the content, the argumentation. Our teamline is consistent through all three speakers. Prop puts up a good defence but they cannot quite reply effectively to one nagging point which we exploit and mercilessly blow up in their faces. Ah, sweet victory.

But alas, we all know our glory days are over. Time to fade into the shadows, buckle down and study hard. Oh, but for that moment, that one moment, we actually had the chance.

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

This afternoon's rain has sort of placed me in a quieter, subdued, reflective mode. I love the rain when I'm nicely tucked into bed at home, but not when I'm out. Let me take the opportunity to thank Vicks and Jeremy here for running back to school and out again to get umbrellas for us, even at the risk of physical injury, as Jeremy suffered, and getting drenched, as Vicks suffered. Thank you guys!

So anyway as I was saying I'm now in this quiet reflective mode which I suspect is not too unlike a feeling of sleepiness. But I feel a need to think about my spiritual life in general, which has not been progressing smoothly recently. It's a bad tendency that I have, slipping into nonchalence for long periods of time, kind of wallowing about in lukewarmness. Sometimes I think I'm just lazy, other times I'm too timid. I hope this holidays I can spend some time setting my affairs right.

I just remembered something by CS Lewis. "We have never told the whole truth. We may confess ugly facts, but the tone is false. The very act of confessing - an infinitesimally hypocritical glance - a dash of humour - all this serves to dissociate the facts from yourself." It's at times like this when I remember the true meaning of those words and realise how acute Lewis was in his observations of self. And of course, he's right. How well I know that. It's an ugly truth.

Well, I'm off to dinner. I think a fault of mine is that I can never hold long periods of self-reflection. Or maybe I don't want to. Oh well, I'll leave it to God.

Waiting for the bell to ring

All my lessons have practically degenerated into exercises in patience. I sit there waiting for the bell to ring. The days are becoming so leisurely and frankly, dull, that we spend our time daydreaming of the possibilities available to us come Friday. Ahh, Friday, will it ever come? I dislike the looming prospect of the PC test tomorrow. It's like this untimely obstacle in the way of my path to the weekend. I wish I could get it over and done with as soon as possible. Other than that the rest of the week should be fine. I want to watch X3, and I hope it can be this Friday.

I still don't know what I should do about tomorrow. I'm undecided about going for the hockey girls finals, or to stay for debates. In the first place I don't know if I can skip debates. There are things to discuss... Anyway, I think that Owen should get a service award for debates too, so there, I'm making my stand official here. It's unfair to recognise only one person's efforts in a cca simply because the cca happens to be very small. What if another person did just as much work? (I'm still inclined to think that I've done more work though, hehe...) So, anyway, I wish Jill and co. all the best for their match tomorrow. Hope they win!

I realise NS talk makes me depressed. I don't know how it started, but our conversation somehow drifted into the army as we waited for history makeup. It's really unnerving and gloomy to think about the prospect of entering two years of regimentation, physical hardship, trauma, filth, mud, soil, sand, rain. I wonder if the nation is worth dying for, really. All my life I've always placed NS in a corner of my mind whenever the topic comes up, because I don't want to face it, and anyway it always seemed far away. Now, I'm left with roughly six months of freedom, depending on my performance in Napfa. Oh, the misery.

Let's look at brighter things! I'm home! Nice and dry! My bed seems comfy, and later on I'll snuggle up in it. The food is on the table, the TV dispenses entertainment. Ha, the comforts of home.

It is the last week of school. Yes, the final frontier to cross before we can reach that blessed period of rest, if indeed it can be called rest. I think the June break needs to be renamed. It's not the holidays, it's something else, like extra lessons time. But in any case, I want that break from the regular routine.

On Saturday I went down to watch the team debate at the semis. I don't want to comment too much on that here. I've said much more elsewhere. Then after that I went down to orchard to catch the Da Vinci Code. Interesting movie. I've always been a sucker for conspiracy theories. They bring some mystery into my life. I realise that's why I like adventure stories or thrillers. I like the feeling of being compelled to turn the next page to find out more.

I think I'll go sleep for a while. Then do the SBQ. ugh.

After a valiant attempt to resist returning to me, my watch now sits safely at home. Let me tell you the adventure. I went to Wheelock Place with Dai Wei to collect the watch. So we took the lift up to the eighth floor, but I didn't see and we ended up on the ninth floor. So we decided to take the stairs down one floor. We went down, and found the door locked. So we went back to the ninth floor to take the lift down. But horror of horrors! The ninth floor door was locked! We were trapped in the stairwell! So we went down, and down, trying every door, until at last we re-emerged in the lift lobby of the first floor... Then we went up again via lift. And the rest is history.

I'm tired and sleepy now. I just want to take some rest before I do my work. Night, world.

In larger freedom

I want to thank everyone that tagged after my last post, even though I only actually read the tags on Friday. Even then I was too tired to blog, but I was quite heartened by them.

Quek: yeah, I agree with you. I'm still too afraid, or at least right now, too tired. But it shouldn't be this way, should it?

Benita: yup, pressing on, I mean, what else can we do, right? Thanks for understanding :)

Liz: well, I wasn't pinpointing you, but in any case, thanks for the congrats!

Kelly: haha, you're one of those that make life better too. Perhaps one fine day we can actually say goodbye without rushing off somewhere.

Owen: well, if I didn't think so much I wouldn't be the person you feel crippled without... but it's good having you around anyway. makes me laugh, haha.

And now onto the meat of my post. It's done, I'm done with it. All the bloody late nights working at presentations and what not are done for now. I think this has been one of the most stressful periods of my life, and I shudder to think that the worst is yet to be. Anyway, the MUN presentation was a success on Thursday, so I'm happy about that.

My Vesak Day holiday was totally burnt by what became an 8 hour meeting over the UN seminar presentation. Then yesterday was gone too, since the seminar took up the whole day. But, I'm glad to announce that at least we got 2nd place for our efforts. And, the dinner at Tony Roma's more than made up for the work. There was so much food we had to pack some home. I love Tony Roma's chicken. I absolutely love it. I know they are famous for ribs, but the chicken serving was so large and so nice that by the time I was finished with it I could only take in two ribs, which were nice too, but they didn't rock my socks off. I guess the chicken had overpowered it. In any case, I wasn't wearing socks, hahahaha! (ok that was silly)

I also attended the college play on Friday. Now that was some tricky business of rushing back and forth. I nearly broke down going home, actually. I just felt the strain was almost too much to bear. But anyway I made it home, changed, and was off again. The plays were okay, and I liked the first one better. More thought-provoking, although I believe both were supposed to do the same. Now the image of Vicks dressed up as a ma-jie will forever be engraved in my mind. As though being called one at school wasn't bad enough!

Essentially I'm left with only today free after the long weekend. But I'm still quite tired by all the events of the past few days. I titled this post "In larger freedom" because I thought it apt that the closing words of our presentation yesterday echo my sentiments now. It's all temporal though. I have two tests coming up this week, and more debate training. But this time I refuse to be bogged down by training. The juniors have exceeded my expectations over the weekend and won three debates in a row at the ACJC Debate Invitationals. So, I expect them to be more active in taking charge at meetings. I'll just leave the key with them or something.

Okay, I'm done. I'm in this pleasant state of sleepiness, the residue of an afternoon nap. Now I'll go finish off the rest of the chicken.

Get off my back

It is in the quiet solitude of the night as I walk to the bus stop that the sickness overcomes me. That damp air sticks to my skin and the tiredness washes over. As I reach the bus stop that familiar feeling of irritation takes over. It's always like this. I get charged up and excited during my activities, only to lapse into this bitter, antagonised self.

Why, I wonder, do I have to come home everyday at 8, leave for school by 6.45? People have 8 hour workdays, I have 12. It's just the whole pressure of working late, coming home, and doing more work that really gets to me. I was never quite like this. But recently my fuse is getting shorter. I swear only the presence of beni, dai wei, jeremy, bryan, musa n vicks keeps me relatively jovial and happy in school. That and the grace of God. And to be sure, it must His grace that keeps me going, because how else to explain the fact that despite the stress that's been building up over the past few months, my body refuses to fail or break down, even if I may secretly wish for it to do so and get myself a break? Compared to me my class is absolutely sickly. In fact, this is the sickliest class I've ever been in. People "fall ill" on a regular basis, or some don;t come at all because they're "sick of school". Yeah, sure, like the people who DO attend aren't sick of school.

It's rubbish you know, to hear people complain non-stop about how they can't keep up with lessons or that they don't understand. Of course you don't! How could you, when your absenteeism rate averages out to around 2 per week? And I have to put up with all this shit, and then come home to be questioned by my parents about my whereabouts. I mean, I know they're concerned, but give me a break. I'm sick to death of having to explain continually to them what MUN means, what this activity is or that. It's not like they remember anyway. Where could I be anyway? Gallivanting round Singapore? I have better things to do. And then my father tells me to stop overcommiting myself, tell the teachers I don't want to do it. Yeah sure, it'd be great if life could just stop and I could drop everything. But I can't. I've made commitments, I like what I do, and even if I don't, I can't just stop. There are others around me who are more laden with work than I am.

But of course, it's back to the same conflict. When do I stop comparing my situation to people worse off than me and start living for myself? There will always be someone poorer than you, true, but there's always someone richer than you. And one day, one fine day, I wish I could just fling out all this talk about oh, people have more stuff to do, I shouldn't complain, and get on with life. But I'm brought up this way, I have my principles. My parents would be proud, if they knew the crap I go through. I get home later than them everyday, I still have to work through essay assignments, I still pass up on time everytime, I still get respectable grades. I mean, come on, how much more can you expect from your son? There are plenty of people I know who idle their time away at home or somewhere else in school and still can't produce work on time. You know what I say to their reasons? Bullshit. Life's tough, so get on with it. Grow up, and stop whining.

By now I now I've completely contradicted my case. I've just completed what must be the longest rant/whine I've ever done on this blog. Well, I know. Judge not, lest ye be judged, how well I know that. But the steam needs to let out sometimes. So although I complain so much, at the end I know I'll just bite the bitter medicine I've just dished out and go on. What else can I do? Skip school? Dream on. I have an entire PC essay to complete, and I know that no matter how late it gets it will appear done tomorrow. So be it. That's my lot in life, I'll just have to do it, and if this post has taken up too much precious time, so be it.

On a happier note, I passed my 2.4 for the first time in JC today. Thank be to God. I'd never be able to do it without His strength. And to think about it, I'll need plenty of strength in the days to come.

It's been a while...

The fact that I have not blogged for more than a week is proof of how busy I've been. I'm quite glad that the weekend is finally here, but even in this sacred rest time work will not let its grip go: I have to spend my Saturday evening discussing a GP presentation... Of course, some will point out the pleasure of discussing such a topic in the presence of three lovely young ladies, and though I will not begrudge that fact, I'd rather have my Saturday night free of work and not meet them, than to meet and work.

I realised today that I for the whole of this week not once did I leave school when lessons ended. The next week looks set to be repeat of this. I have meetings, debate sessions, and other meetings lined up for all my afternoons, and even the whole of next Saturday will be taken up. Add to this the increasing workload and the intensifying academic schedule, and I have a pretty large amount of stress on my back. Hopefully, it's time I find the discipline and time (how ironic) to start studying seriously. Happy is he who has time to pass.

Anyway, I think I make things out to be worse than they truly are. School is still liveable, especially in the company of six other people who make the time pass faster, if not happier, than it really does. Where would I be without them? And the after school sessions aren't really school work. I mean, debating is still attractive to me, even though I fret over the j1s. Mun, well, it's fun too in a way, preparing to present. I look around the balcony and I see many people actually studying and doing far more real academic work than I am. So, I guess I need to buckle down.


I want my praises to be more than empty words, I want my intentions to translate into action, I want my will to be stronger than temptation. In fact, I want to want to overcome. I need that passion to fill me more than it ever has, and I yet I need to stop being afraid of the consequences of fire. I need to find my sense of direction again.